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my baby is leaving me [04 Jan 2009|12:34am] [ mood | depressed ] [ music | foo fighters - home ] she was here this week. she's gotten so big. it's incredible. she's growing up so fast, and i feel like i only get the slightest glimpse, maybe 4 times a year if i'm lucky. and it hurts so hard sometimes. i'm so grateful for these short times together, but it's never long enough. she's not even leaving until tomorrow, but i already miss her like crazy. i'm fighting back tears as i write this. but i'm glad i got to see her. i don't get to see my daughter enough. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* I wish I were with you, I couldn't stay Every direction leads me away Pray for tomorrow, but for today All I want is to be home Stand in the mirror, you look the same Just looking for shelter, from the cold and the pain Someone to cover, safe from the rain All I want is to be home Echoes and silence, patience and grace All of these moments I'll never replace Fear of my heart, absence of faith All I want is to be home All I want is to be home People I've loved, I have no regrets Some I remember, some I forget Some of them living, some of them dead All I want is to be home clear night sky

the holidays in more detail [30 Dec 2008|12:38pm] [ mood | awake ] [ music | rini-chan eating breakfast ] things have been kind of rough again this holiday season, but that's more customary than anything at this point. baba is in the hospital with congestive heart failure, and the doctor's say that there is nothing more they can do for her, aside from keep her comfortable until the inevitable loss of her life, probably within the next year....but i still have hope that somehow that she'll make it to 100 and not bite the bullet at 89 or 90. of course mama fell of the wagon again, but she seems inclined to try to get back on and try again. we shall see how that goes. it usually happens this time of year. i was sick this holiday season. i spent a majority of the 25th in the e.r. (with cam-chan and rini-chan with me) for what turned out to be strep throat. i get it every year, if not twice (as i have absolutely no immunities to it, so it seems), so i guess i'm glad to get it done with now while i'm not in classes and i only have to worry about work, and most of what i do can be done at home so i can get better. gwen was sick also. she had to go to the vet for an upper respiratory infection, and had to go on amoxicillin for it. she was such a sick little girl too. when i took her to the vet, she kept falling asleep on the table. but she seems much better now - back to being the precious princess of our house. it wasn't all bad tho. we did get to see some family in between all of this. that's good. just wish we'd gotten to see everyone we wanted to. despite everything occurring, it definitely would've been more doable it i hadn't been sick in bed when we weren't seeing family. oh well. regardless of everything, i'm glad we went back to michigan. i think the trip was worth it for the simple fact that we did get to see family, and since it's cam-chan's favorite holiday, he got to enjoy some of it. rini-chan is visiting us again this break. she's getting so much older all the time! it's amazing how fast kids grow up! i can still remember her being 3 years old, with these round, pudgy cheeks, running around the house playing with her and taking her shopping and whatnot. so cute. but she's still a cutie so it's all good. hope your holiday went alright. happy holidays clear night sky

the holidays thus far [26 Dec 2008|10:14pm] [ mood | scared ] [ music | madden 09 on wii ] i am sad. the holidays are never quite what they should be. in my family, despite any good that occurs, there's always bad, and the bad seems to always take precedent in my mind. in order from kinda bad to really bad: *my mama didn't know who i was again. she will prolly be in hospital by week's end. it usually happens this time of year. *i have strep throat. i spent most of christmas day in the emergency room as we had no idea what was wrong with me (sore throat, congestion, fever, migraine, neckache, body ache, swollen lymph nodes. *i feel isolated from someone close to me due to a probable addiction/obsession. they never ask me to take part in certain activities related due to their addiction, i cannot bring myself to intrude and it's somewhat sad to me. i just want to be included as i used to be, as then it wasn't so bad, as i didn't lose time. *my baba is in the hospital with congestive heart failure. i'm hoping she won't die. she's had congestive heart problems for a bit now, but this is quite worse compared to her past. and she's already weak due to her flu she had earlier this month. i can't stand the thought of losing her right now. she's like my own mother in every sense of the worse, and it's hard to think about. to be continued.... clear night sky

running in my head [12 Nov 2008|12:01pm] [ music | Ben Folds - Brick ] 6am, day after Christmas I throw some clothes on in the dark The smell of cold Car seat is freezing The world is sleeping I am numb Up the stairs to her apartment She is balled up on the couch Her mom and dad went down to Charlotte They're not home to find us out And we drive Now that I have found someone I'm feeling more alone Than I ever have before She's a brick and I'm drowning slowly Off the coast and I'm headed nowhere She's a brick and I'm drowning slowly They call her name at 7:30 I pace around the parking lot Then I walk down to buy her flowers And sell some gifts that I got Can't you see It's not me you're dying for Now she's feeling more alone Than she ever has before She's a brick and I'm drowning slowly Off the coast and I'm heading nowhere She's a brick and I'm drowning slowly As weeks went by It showed that she was not fine They told me Son, it's time To tell the truth And she broke down And I broke down 'Cause I was tired of lying Driving back to her apartment For the moment we're alone She's alone I'm alone Now I know it She's a brick and I'm drowning slowly Off the coast and I'm heading nowhere She's a brick and I'm drowning slowly clear night sky

election night [04 Nov 2008|10:09pm] [ mood | ecstatic ] [ music | cnn ] CONGRATULATIONS TO PRESIDENT OBAMA!!!!!!!!!!! clear night sky

some sad stuff around halloween [03 Nov 2008|12:50pm] [ music | offspring - gone away ] halloween itself was wonderful, but i will update that later on when i'm in a better mood. one of my uncle's committed suicide on halloween, but we didn't find out until saturday (nov 1). he found out he was going to loose his job, and with all the economic issues right now, he just couldn't handle it i guess. i dunno. i'm not going to try to reason it out. he did what he had to do as he just couldn't handle the pain or pressure nemore. and with the veil so thin right now, he should pass over soon if he hasn't yet already. i just feel awful for his wife and kids. the funeral is today, but i'm not going. i had an exam today and my dad is sending our condolences. i'll send a card out either tonite or tomorrow. i haven't bought it yet but will. ok, i'm gonna go get back to work now. i have a meeting in 30min i'm not quite ready for. clear night sky

happy halloween! [31 Oct 2008|11:49pm] [ mood | weird ] [ music | resident evil ] happy halloween, everyone! it's my favorite holiday ever and i had a great time. watching movies, playing video games, drinking, eating, spirits, and just an overall good time. i hope urs as awesome! clear night sky

of the moment [22 Oct 2008|01:21pm] [ music | the soviettes - !paranoia! cha-cha-cha ] "Don't go out at night. That's when they all come out! That's when they'll get you. Hey look out! On the right! He doesn't look like you? Call us, we'll get him!" It's gonna be all right, you're messing with my head, I don't believe you. You're coming at us hard. Control is what you want. Well, I'm not buying. Seems like you wanna be shut down I'd say you're gonna be shut down They say you've gotta be shut down Seems like you wanna be shut down I'd say you're gonna be shut down They say you've gotta be shut -- "We're doing this for you. If we don't stop them now, they're gonna get you. In fact, they're here right now. You'd better learn to sleep with one eye open." It's gonna be all right, you're messing with my head, I don't believe you. You're coming at us hard. Control is what you want. Well, I'm not buying. Seems like you wanna be shut down I'd say you're gonna be shut down They say you've gotta be shut down Seems like you wanna be shut down I'd say you're gonna be shut down Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com They say you've gotta be shut down They'll tell you "Look out on the street", they'll tell you They'll tell you "Look out on the street", they'll tell you They'll tell you "Look out on the street", they'll tell you They'll tell you "Look out on the street", they'll tell you They'll tell you "Look out on the street" They'll tell you "Suspect all of the kids you meet" They'll tell you "Look out on the street" They'll tell you "Suspect all of the kids you meet" They'll tell you "Look out on the street" They'll tell you "Suspect all of the kids you meet" They'll tell you "Look out on the street" They'll tell you "Suspect all of the kids you meet", yeah! Seems like you wanna be shut down I'd say you're gonna be shut down They say you've gotta be shut down Seems like you wanna be shut down I'd say you're gonna be shut down They say you've gotta be shut down clear night sky

the stock market [02 Oct 2008|11:48am] so, on monday the market crashed. then it rebounded back a bit. and now it's almost back to where it was on monday. so i would honestly love to hear what everyone thinks of this....not just politically, but how u really feel personally. what r u doing and no doing differently? has it affected u at all? are u worried for the future? do u think we're on our way to another great depression? gimme some details, eh? http://money.cnn.com/quote/chart/chart.html?pg=ch&symb=djia&time=5dy&freq=1mi&charts=0&comp=&compidx=aaaaa~0&ind_compind=&uf=0&lf=1&ma=0&maval=60 clear night sky

Cormac mac Airt [01 Oct 2008|11:46am] I was a listener in woods, I was a gazer at stars, I was blind where secrets were concerned, I was silent in a wilderness, I was talkative among many, I was mild in the mead-hall, I was stern in battle, I was ready to watch, I was gentle in friendship, I was a physician of the sick, I was weak towards the strengthless, I was strong toward the powerful, I never was hard lest I be satirised, I never was feeble lest I should have my hair stripped off, I was not close lest I should be burdensome, I was not arrogant though I was wise, I was not given to promising though I was strong, I was not venturesome, though I was swift, I did not deride old people, though I was young, I was not boastful though I was a good fighter, I would not speak about anyone in his absence, I would not reproach, but I would praise, I would not ask, but I would give, For it is through these habits that the young become old and kingly warriors. clear night sky

incredible slow motion lightning - check this out! [21 Aug 2008|12:43pm] "Well, this is just about the most amazing thing I've ever seen. It's a lightning bolt that's shooting down from the sky, shot in slow motion. I'm not sure exactly how fast this camera is, but it's got to be shooting at a speed faster than the Casio EX-F1 can shoot at, at least at a resolution this high. Whatever, who cares? Just watch this and prepare to be blown away." http://gizmodo.com/5034458/slow-motion-lightning-video-is-mindblowing-will-sell-a-thousand-slo+mo-cameras clear night sky

shin chan! [14 Aug 2008|12:14am] [ mood | optimistic ] [ music | shin chan ] shin chan rox my sox! Woke up late this morning A storm was really rollin’ Frogs and dogs were raining from the sky Everything seems awkward to me Nothing’s just as it should be If this keeps on I’m sure I won’t get by But then I close my eyes and try to smile I know things are bad and getting worse But after all this I can rest awhile And then I’ll party party Party Party Join us Join us Party Party Join us Join us Party Party Join us Join us Shake your day away and you can Party Party Join us Join us Party Party Join us Join us Party Party Join us Join us Shake your blues away Yo Reggae vacation Mon This party’s shakin’ and it ain’t just shakin’ me here I see that smile You’re grinnin’ ear to ear Sing this song And you should really sing it clear Just sing along with us Party Party Join us Join us Party Party Join us Join us Party Party Join us Join us Shake your day away and you can PARTY PARTY PARTY PARTY PARTY PARTY clear night sky

and as for off shore drilling.... [08 Aug 2008|12:48pm] drilling for oil won't change a thing. oil is running out and will be a thing of the past in about 50 years. drilling now will not have an impact for 10 years on gas prices, and by then, what with inflation and the economy, the price will still be higher per gallon than it is now. further drilling is fruitless and we need alternatives. clear night sky

please look at this! there must be accountability! [08 Aug 2008|12:40pm] [ music | the national anthem ] http://kucinich.us Last week, Congressman Dennis Kucinich delivered a petition bearing more than 100,000 names to the Speaker of the House urging that impeachment proceedings begin into the conduct of President Bush. In a special video message (click here), Dennis is asking for your help to deliver an even more powerful message to Congress when it reconvenes in September. With new disclosures that the Administration tried to "cook the books at the CIA" by creating a phony, forged link between Al Qaeda and Saddam Hussein, "We cannot step back and let this President escape accountability." If you have already signed the impeachment petition at www.kucinich.us, thank you. If you haven't, please do. And, in the next few weeks, please ask just one more person to sign so we can let the members of Congress hear our collective demand that they meet their obligation to uphold the Constitution. clear night sky

sick with a stomach flu.... [01 Aug 2008|01:15pm] ....but feeling a bit better. so i decided to facebook it up and whatnot before trying to become productive....so i was looking through my groups and came to the cmu bindery group i created when i worked at cmu....and i found this on the page and it made me smile: *~*Top Sayings of the Bindery*~* NEWEST ADDITION - *Mmmm Coffee! I'm needy today. I hope there's enough left for you...... *Your Mom.... *We’re Here to Make you Strong *I saw Jon today… and he ignored me *Special like my butt *Sadie’s Comebacks *I’m gonna bury you and I’m not even gonna put rocks on your grave *Guacamole day (it’s makes the world a better place) *Matt....Who’s using who *I need another job *Are we getting a raise this semester, or what *Here is how you say your ABC’s *NO I don’t work here *The reserve is desk is at the front of the room *Let’s color, go color a picture *Tone deaf Sadie *Who sings this song....Let them clear night sky

funny [30 Jul 2008|01:30pm] You might be a Catholic School Girl If... 1.You mastered the art of cheating and cramming. 2. one word: Kairos. (or some other sort of hardcore retreat) 3. At one time, you liked your uniform 4. You got kicks outta being able to wear you PJs to school 5. You had a way of making yourself look so innocent when everyone knows that you really aren't. 6. It cost you 100 bucks to park in the school parking lot 7. Everyone hugged each other to greet people 8. At dances, you formed an all-girls circle where no guys could take over 9. You're blonde, once were, wish you were, or just act like it. 10. You violated as many dress codes as possible and when you get caught, you pretended that you 'didnt know' 11. You have countless obsessions with guys you have never even met or never talked to 12. At least one of your friends thought that she was pregnant by junior year 13. You have NO problem joking around about being a lesbian 14. You spent many a religion class listening to your teacher preach about the Church's take on premarital sex, abortion, and the death penalty 15. You SERIOUSLY don't know how to shut up 16. "Remember whens" are your specialty 17. At least one of your friends names are Sarah, Katie, Megan, or Lauren 18. guys ask you if you still have your uniform and if you would wear it for them 19. your skirts stopped fitting, but were too cheap/lazy to buy new ones, so you just pinned them. 20. shaving your legs was optional, even when wearing skirts. actually, putting any effort into your appearance was optional. 21. whenever guys came on campus, the entire school knew their names, cars they were driving, which school they were from and eye color within minutes. 22. Your school was so crazy about preparing you for college that you actually were? 23. You dated a guy from your "brother school"...and then his best friend...and then his cousin (hey limited resources call for recycling) 24. Do you go to themed parties, and say to girls in catholic school outfits...'hey i have that too' but only because you HAD to wear it for four years 25. Do the phrases 'liturgical dance' and 'free dress days' mean anything? clear night sky

a cover for the lost boys 2: the tribe [10 Jul 2008|12:02am] [ music | aiden - cry little sister ] A last fire will rise behind those eyes Black house will rock, blind boys don't lie Immortal fear, that voice so clear Through broken walls, that scream I hear Cry, little sister - Thou shall not fall Come to your brother - Thou shall not die Unchain me, sister - Thou shall not fear Love is with your brother - Thou shall not kill Blue masquerade, strangers look on When will they learn this loneliness? Temptation heat beats like a drum Deep in your veins, I will not lie Little sister - Thou shall not fall Come to your brother - Thou shall not die Unchain me, sister - Thou shall not fear Love is with your brother - Thou shall not kill My Shangri-Las I can't forget Why you were mine I need you now Cry, little sister - Thou shall not fall Come to your brother - Thou shall not die Unchain me, sister - Thou shall not fear Love is with your brother - Thou shall not kill clear night sky

sick but i'm working [01 Jul 2008|11:19am] [ mood | depressed ] [ music | a perfect circle - the noose ] well, more depressed than sick, but still, they tend to be one in the same at times. the aches and pains, the tired. today, i start my first day at my second job. will help us bring in some more money and be able to more easily afford things like going back and forth to michigan, and my health insurance since it's expensive per month. i work 5-9pm tonite, which is great, cuz i will still be able to work at least 8hrs/day on research stuff and it won't interfere with finishing up my thesis. my software still isn't quite working as my account expired. but it should be up soon. taz is still....not so good. she fell last night after seizing and hurt her hips something awful. right now, family is just trying to keep her comfortable until this weekend. this song is playing right now....kinda makes me think of mama....i dunno. according to the vet, both snowball's death and taz's coming death could've been prevented if she had just stopped to think. she knew snowball had cancer starting but didn't tell neone....so it just got worse and worse until it was too late. taz is epileptic because she got into mama's meds that she hid in every corner of the house. ok....back to work. **quote of the day-->but i'm more than just a little curious how you're planning to go about making your amends to the dead** **merry meet and merry part, these are words straight from the heart!** *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* So glad to see you well, overcome them Completely silent now With heaven's help You've cast your demons out And not to pull your halo down Around your neck and tug you off your cloud But I'm more than just a little curious How you're plannin' to go about makin' your amends To the dead To the dead Recall the deeds as if they're all Someone else's Atrocious stories Now you stand reborn Before us all So glad to see you well And not to pull your halo down Around your neck and tug you to the ground But I'm more than just a little curious How you're plannin' to go about makin' your amends To the dead To the dead With your halo slippin' down Your halo slippin' Your halo slippin' down Your halo slippin' down Your halo slippin' down (I'm more than just a little curious How you're plannin' to go about makin' your amends) [repeated] Your halo slippin' down Your halo's slippin' down to choke you now clear night sky

bad work day [30 Jun 2008|02:54pm] [ mood | morose ] [ music | charmed ] i dunno what is up today. it's just turning up to be a poor working day. and the more that things don't work, the more unmotivated i become. i dunno. my software to do my runs still isn't quite working for me, and it's scary i guess. i want to be able to do them and be done with them (i have about 500 done of 1000 so i'm half way there). then, i can make all the regime diagrams and write up the rest of my thesis. the rest of today i'm planning to look at the regime diagrams to see what's interesting to further explore. i have ideas, but i want to be sure. it's how i roll i guess. found out i'm getting shipped off to annex 1. not particularly happy about it. i don't like the annex all that much so yeah....kinda blows. but it's fine. i'll go where i'm told and get my work done either way. but i don't have to like where i am. maybe i'll just work more so from home. right now, i go into the office 3 days/week. maybe i'll just go in for meetings if i don't work so well in the annex. i dunno. we shall see i guess. taz is dying. i have to go back to michigan this weekend to put her down. she can't really walk much nemore and is seizing a lot more. the doctor it sure this is the best course of action. it's just so hard - i lost snowball about this time last year and it's hard to think of losing taz now. it's really gotten into my head. i just can't seem to keep focus - i keep going to thoughts of taz as a pup....and then her unfortunate demise....since she got into my mama's hidden meds and now has epilepsy from it....*tear* well, i'm going to go try and get some work done and get outta my slump that i sunk into today. **quote of the day->a deal was struck; i was chosen** **merry meet and merry part, these are words straight from the heart!** clear night sky

boulder day 1 - quick and dirty entry [22 Jun 2008|10:47pm] [ mood | tired ] [ music | offspring - fix you ] so i'm in boulder now. sara, wendi, and i left chambana around 6am to go to chicago to catch our flight. stopped in kankakee to get breakfast at mc d's....was ok....fairly good food but coffee bad as ever....just watered down is all. got to chicago to get on our flight. it went went well - no big deal with that. listened to the new offspring album on the flight....i like it! my favorite songs so far are 'fix you' and 'stuff is messed up.' i put the lyrics at the end of the entry if ur curious. we met up with jewett as he arrived shortly after us and he offered to have us all carpool to the hotel, as we are all staying at the same hotel. got lunch after meeting up. i had panda express....white rice and veggies ^_^ went and checked into hotel and then went site seeing in the mountains! it is so pretty here! like woah! i'll have pictures posted on facebook soon enough so, if u have me friended over there u should be able to see em. i can't remember whom off hand does and doesn't have dual accounts, so if u don't, but u wanna see pretty boulder pics, lemme know and i'll post em elsewhere. i do have a picasa account, but i'm not sure if that helps much. haha. oh well. last thing we did was some grocery shopping at whole foods. it's an organic grocery store (think kroger or farmer jack if ur from the great lakes area....but all organic and whatnot ^_^). sara, wendi, and i all bought separate food per se, but talked about sharing a bit. i'm not a food whore in reality so i don't mind sharing with peeps if it works out for the better =^-^= ok, i'm tired and think i'm gonna go get changed for the night, put on the tv, and fall asleep. breakfast (even though i'll prolly just have coffee) at 9am (it's free with the hotel cost so i might just take some food and bring it back to my hotel room for later on ^_^). conference starts at 12:30pm. sianara from boulder! **quote of the day-->your face** **merry meet and merry part, these are words straight from the heart!** -------------------------- 'fix you' She wakes up Rage and grace Pulling me closer, pushing away And me The sharpest thorn on your vine Twisting and turning We’re all intertwined Broken wing Empty glass Words that scream and bounce right back She says, you know We’d all like to rearrange I wish I could fix you And make you how I want you I wish I could fix you And I wish you could fix me I wish I could heal you And mend where you are broken I wish I could heal you And I wish you could heal me Ha la la la …… A beaming sunrise buries the night The setting sun destroys the light Then she says, baby, I’ve gotta get going Cutting each other Without even knowing She sees a million stars like holes in the sky All God’s tears for her they cry And I am in her rain -------------------------- 'stuff is messed up' Now I don’t know, and it’s hard to explain But it seems like things are just kind of insane Because the world is crying But nobody’s listening So please leave a message on my cell phone I see bullets getting better Biblical weather And that guy on TV is like a total asshole Who are you wearing tonight? Celebrity fundraiser, tight! Black ties making wrongs right How’s your social Band-Aid? I don’t know much I don’t know too much But I know this Shit is fucked up! I guess it’s all about the dream The ends justify the means You know it’s all about the dream The ends justify the means Now thank god for the media, for saving the day Putting it all into perspective in a responsible way With more celebrity news Typical bullshit views I think we’re losing this fight Sponsored by Bud Light And now we’re rockin’ the casbah And taking the flak The genie’s out of the bottle, and we can’t put it back All this stuff It’s overwhelming my brain Can you see the storm comin’? It’s coming this way I don’t know much I don’t know too much But I know this Shit is fucked up! I guess it’s all about the dream The ends justify the means You know it’s all about the dream The ends justify the means Shopping Sprees, RPG’s Ecstasy Atrophy Genocide Pimp my ride Politize Euphemize Injustice everywhere Apathy I don’t care Hurricanes Climate change Huh! Therapy, I won’t tell Rehab and LOL Worldwide calamity TV Reality Euthanize, supersize Death squads and boob jobs VIP infamy Gratify instantly I don’t know much I don’t know too much I don’t know much I don’t know too much -------------------------- clear night sky

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